"Is it true that you Armenians have two popes?"
"Well", I answered, "not exactly, we have two
catholicoses."
"Call it what you want", he said, "but how can you have
two heads of the same Church?"
"Well", I answered, "not exactly, one is the catholicos of
all Armenians, and the 'other one'...the catholicos of...it's too complicated...historical
reasons..."
"OK, but isn't there only one who really runs the
show?"
"Well", I answered, "not exactly, but things are really
changing...when the
'other one' came to Los Angeles last year, he said the two were finally
reconciled and that the other was really the head of all Armenians".
"So what did he call himself?"
"I don't think he called himself anything!"
"So what does 'the other' one do?"
"He visits heads of state, the pope, goes to fund raising
parties, takes a lot of smiling photos, gives great speeches and bestows medals upon the great
souls who donate big bucks to the Church. That is how our
merchant/benefactors earn their salvation in heaven."
"Then what does the first one do?"
"He does the same, but he does all of that first, then the
other follows his
tracks after a couple of months. It really works well for us, because if the
first one is not noticed, usually the second one would be."
"But...but...you're still not telling me...why do you have
two catholicoses?"
"Let's put it this way; The Armenian Church believes in
free enterprise and
competition. Therefore, this way monopoly of church services is prevented and
the competition keeps down the fees of the wedding and funeral services. If
you had one catholicos and he tripled the prices of the funerals, then where
would you go when God called you? You would still have to pay it, wouldn't
you?"
"Now, you're pulling my leg...you're kidding, aren't
you?"
"Would I kid with you about such a thing? For an
Armenian a catholicos is
way, way above kidding, way above the law and way above everything else. He
could get away with murder, and he would not need O.J. Simpson's Dream Team
either. We don't ask them any questions. For us they are above questions,
way, way above."
"How can that be? Even the US president, the most
powerful person on earth,
is not above the law."
"This is America, that is Armenia. Inch @sem, inch
badmem?"
"What?"
"I said one inch above the law, one inch below the law,
what difference does
it make?"
"These things are above my head, I tell you!"
"One inch above, one inch below, inch @sem, inch
badmem?"
"Read this, guys, read it and cry! You ain't heard nothin' yet!"
"Don't interrupt us, Margos, this is a critical moment", says
one.
"Not now, please, this game needs a lot of concentration!"
says the other.
"You must read this, I am telling you, it's from my brother
in Jerusalem,
all the Armenians there are talking about it."
"OK, OK, go ahead read it to us. I can teach this guy
another lesson
anytime."
"My brother wrote: 'the Patriarch here is selling Armenian
properties which
had belonged to the Church for hundreds of years with prices way below
market, and no one knows where the money is. Whenever we ask about them, they
say these are only 99 year leases, so there is no money from a sale.' What
the hell is going on?"
"Margos jan, that is why we have two catholicoses, with
the greatest
salaries and perks in the world. Why don't you take that letter to them and
let them worry about it, and let us finish our game?"
"You think they don't know about it? Everyone in
Jerusalem knows about it.
When was the last time that you heard a bishop who stole from the Church was
fired?"
"Well then, let the Armenians in Jerusalem worry about
it."
"They did. But their numbers have shrunk in the last
decade and they have
little political clout. Beside, the Jews are "leasing" these properties, so
you think they will have any fair hearing in the courts?"
"Well, Margos jan, at least we are getting something for
our lands. The poor
Arabs have deeds and houses and families living on the lands, and yet without
warning the Israeli bulldozers show up one morning and pull everything down,
and the whole family ends up living in tents on their ancestral lands, until
they are evicted from there as well to make room for new Jewish settlements.
Who said the bulldozer is not a weapon of terrorism?"
"That's a different story. No one is forcing us to give up
our properties
for pennies on the dollar."
"Pennies are better than nothing. Play backgammon, drink
your oghi and eat
your kebab. Is it up to you to fix the world?"
"Did you hear that a Jewish-American businessman
offered millions of dollars
for a small property owned by an Arab shopkeeper close to the Wailing Wall
and he refused to sell?"
"That Arab may be a true patriot to you, but to me he is
a fool! Millions of
dollars? That's more than all the welfare checks I will be getting until the
day I die, and I am only 42."
"What happened to you, man? You were a proud, caring
Armenian when you came
here. Now you are nothing more than a glorified beggar".
"What do you say? This is America, eat, drink, have good
time. Have fun, hahaha, have lots of fun, aghper jan."
"Inch, @sem, inch badmem!"
Feedback/Comments: The email address of Shant Norashkharian is:
MASSISSAR@AOL.COM
ARI (ARMENIAN REFORM INSURGENCE)